The 12 Days of Christmas 2019

On the first day of Christmas I saw on my TV

Surprising news from Antony.

By the second day the verdict was very clear to see

Three more years for Scott

And a big new job for Albanese.

On the third day my friend Tony Abbott showed to me

Choirs of holy singers

Pealing in Warringah

As he met his first street library.

(break into quick Tony impersonation. “It’s amazing isn’t it? The people of Warringah are incredible to think of this etc)

On the fourth day a gift came from the Wallabies

Is-Rael Folau!

Damning hot gay hunks

Queer steam-punks

Atheists and drunks

Ain’t it glorious when speech is this free?

On the sixth day of Christmas the PM gave to me

Code red inside the 

P… M and C!

Panicking execs

And dep secs

Quickly changed the sex

Of a gender fluid lava-to-ry.

On the seventh day of Christmas the sports world gave to me

Horse trainers cheating

Israel a-Tweeting

(Gays go to hell)

Kyrgios’s gob

Costs his job

Jesus what a knob

Can we get a second Ash Barty?

On the eighth day of Christmas the Government gave to me

John Setka cussing

Albanese fussing

Lawyers discussing

In…te…gri…ty!

Scott Morrison pounced

Bills announced

But none could pronounce

The correct name of the en-ti-ty.

(CFMEU. No that’s the old name. CFFMEU. No! CFMMEU. Ah, bugger.)

On the ninth day of Christmas the good old AFP

Came to my house and

Went through my undies

Seized all my emails

What am I accused of?

Do…ing … my … job!

Dutton says “Bad luck

You’re just stuck.

Whining journos suck."

Can we please just have a press that is free?

On the tenth day of Christmas Prince Andrew gave to me

Ten jaws a dropping

Christ, he’s not stopping

What is he saying?

How is pizza relevant?

It’s a Royal Knockout when you’re 

Sacked … By … Your … Mum!

Lead a quiet life

With your first wife

Stay out of strife

And for heaven’s sake stay off TV!